Nate and I were able to go out for the first time in a long time. It was wonderful.  While Nate was looking through the Olive Garden menu he observed, "this isn't really Italian food. It's American food and they've italicsized it."

"Mom, you have crossed the Rubicon. I just hope you haven't opened Pandora's box." Eliza loves doing history for home school. She begs for more everyday and gets sad when she finishes a unit, puts a sticker on her chart and realizes it will one day end.

Norah loves history too and runs over to listen when we start a lesson. She can answer the questions and last night, when we were at the Living Nativity, she got excited when she recognized the name Agustus Ceasar. 

Peter

Peter loves to play in the bathroom sink or use the toilet bowl cleaner or plunger on the toilet. We have to remember to close the bathroom doors so he doesn't make a mess. 

He also likes to brush his teeth and when he does he makes a buzzing sound to mimic our electric toothbrushes.

He likes to do preschool with Norah and can even recognize some letters and knows their sounds!

He's a fun guy and would love it if he could spend all day outside. 

He loves to talk. 

When he's tired he's not opposed to going to sleep, but is preferred method is still to nurse to sleep. He comes to me, tries to position himself and says, "milk, milk, nap." If I don't let him, he'll start lifting up my shirt and say, "off, off!" If I still don't let him, he'll bite me - which is one of the reasons why he's nursed so much longer than the rest of my kids. That and because he's my baby and my last. 

Saturday he will be two. I've been thinking about how he and I were buddies a year ago, living at the hospital, taking walks in the rain through the University District, visiting the fish tanks on the differently floors of the hospital,  playing on our mat floor, taking showers in the family bathroom.....what a time we had together!

This year Megan and Michael are going to Hanford High. So far, it has been a great experience. They have both been asked out on dates, Megan finally has a best friend, Michael has a group of friends, the atmosphere and learning standards are so much better, and they both were cast for parts in plays. Megan also auditioned and made it into choir.

Because the schools and general mentality of Richland are more in line with our family's standards, we had been looking at buying a house there or building one. It's been a lot of back and forth, but we have decided to stay here and make it work. We will have our kids go to Hanford and will likely home school for the earlier grades.

Emma and Merian are enjoying McLoughlin. Merian has every one of her classes with her friend Cannon and both girls auditioned and made it into jazz band.

Derek and Eliza are attending the brand new Rosilin Franklin STEM school. It's a little like science Disneyland and they are enjoying it, but I think the excitement is beginning to wear off.

I've been having preschool at home with Norah and Peter. Peter is beginning to recognize this letters and sounds. It's nice to have some time at home to do the mom things I'm supposed to. I love home school and I miss the kids, but life is much less stressful right now.

No matter how hot it is, Derek wraps himself up like in a cocoon to go to sleep. He even has his head tightly confined under the blanket. After he goes to sleep, I take the blanket off his sweat drenched head.

Every sentence of Norah's ends in a sky scrapper high audible climb.

After church I was going down the hall and overheard Michael say, "then we'll have to go on a date with some actual girls." I love his zeal for life.

Today he helped the Rassmusens move for four hours. Afterwards I took him to Jack in the Box and when we sat down he said, "let's pretend we are on a date."

One of the things living in Seattle has shown me is how important I am to the kids. Norah doesn't like me to leave and Derek and Eliza are still so clingy. The other night I was gone when Eliza went to sleep. She woke up in the middle of the night to check on me to make sure I had gotten home. Tonight, I was explaining to Norah that Aunt Tallia was going to school to be a nurse. Norah questioned that because she was already a mom. I told her Tallia could do both, but reassured her that I would only be her mom for as long as she needed me. To that she replied, "I think I will need you forever." I love being a mom.

January (written 1/29/2014)

I'm not going to lie. As good as it was to be home, it was kind of hard to adjust.

First, it was hard to leave the security of our team in Seattle. We miss the SCCA and especially our nurse, Cindy. It was comforting to have our medical team giving us instruction and the hospital just five minutes away. It was so convenient to order prescriptions, pick up supplies and schedule transfusions and appointments. Now it just takes a little more foresight and coordination.

I think I can better understand what it must feel like to come home from a mission. It's a bit of an adjustment to get back to normal life. Life in Seattle was very structured and focused with our lives revolving around appointments, medications, and infusions. It has been a challenge to maintain the kind of structure needed to ensure all of Nate's meds are on time while living in the chaotic atmosphere of a family. 

Sometimes I feel like I have PTSD. I know too many people who have died. I have images I can't shake of patients I couldn't believe were still alive. I realize more than ever how fragile mortality is. There is a great benefit to be with others who are going through the same thing, but towards the end I started looking forward to going home and being friends with people who were going to stay alive.

I really expected our last meeting at the SCCA to be more celebratory. We had finally gotten rid of the cancer! Nate had been in remission for three months! Instead it was a bitter reminder of how close we had come to not even having the transplant and how the odds of remaining cancer free are stacked against us. I still believe we have been granted a miracle. I expect Nathan to make a full recovery, and even if that is not the case, every day we have because of it I will count as a miracle. Still, I will sleep a lot better when we are a year out and it will get easier until cancer is just a distant memory. Instead, I sometimes go through a mental checklist balancing of the facts for and against us.

Soon after we got home, I got a text from my friend in Seattle that her husband would not be seeking further treatment. He had been almost a year out from transplant when they learned the cancer had returned and they headed up to Seattle for a trial. The trial put him back in remission but had such awful side effects they decided to try a DLI – the process of infusing the donor's t-cells – kind of like a jump start transplant. We had dinner with them just days before they found out that cancer had returned again. He looked so great! Yesterday, less than two weeks since they had received the bad news, he passed away. For the last twenty-four hours I have simultaneously felt numb and a vast array of emotions.

Life hasn't felt normal for so long and it's strange to think that everything just carried on without us. Before we left I home schooled and now everyone is attending public school. While they are doing great and I know it is the right thing to do, I hate seeing them leave every morning. I've had to jump into a new routine but things are starting to run smoother. When we came home for Christmas, my mom had the house clean, laundry done and fridge and pantry stocked. After Christmas, we took the three youngest back up to Seattle with us. We just couldn't leave them again! The older kids said they could fend for themselves so the grandmas got a break. Let's just say that coming home to a house with four kids on Christmas break was a little a lot different then coming home for Christmas! Trying to get caught up was difficult because the kids needed so much attention and I wanted to give it to them, but I don't function well in chaos. Slowly things are getting back together.

It's funny, because even though Peter's the youngest he has the opportunity to experience the same sibling jealousy that older kids have when a new baby is brought home. He had 100% of my attention for six months and now he has to share with his older sisters. Every time I would hold them he would run over and want on my lap and try to push them off! He also started nursing like a newborn, silly guy. When he isn't wanting my attention, he is BUSY exploring our house. He has climbed into a bathroom sink and turned the water on, almost electrocuted himself, fallen down the stairs, and eaten laundry soap three times. In my defense, the reason why I didn't hide the soap better after the first time was because I really didn't think he would try it again.

Almost every night Eliza, Norah, and of course Peter, end up in our bed. Luckily we have an extra twin in the school room, from when Nate's mom would come to visit, that Nathan moves to when it get's too crowded. In hindsight, I think buying a king sized bed early in our marriage would have been a good investment! The kids handled us being gone pretty well, but Eliza and Norah still need extra attention. They are very clingy, have had nightmares, and I've had to reassure Eliza that I won't be going to Seattle again.

Nathan is looking better all the time. We marvel at his bushy eyebrows and lush long lashes. I had forgotten that even is hands were hairy! :) Since everything is coming back so strong I guess there is even hope for the top of his head! Recovery is still a full time job for him. He sleeps a lot. He has physical therapy twice a week and a doctors appointment in Yakima once a week. He still has a tons of medication and is on IV fluids. Unfortunately he is still sick sometimes and has to take anti-nausea or pain medication, but that is becoming less frequent. When he feels well he has started taking over more of his care and that has been a great help. I'm glad we spent six months in Seattle so we feel comfortable with managing these things. Our doctor's office in Yakima even looks to us for answers on how to handle things.

Right after Nathan was diagnosed I started thinking about all the things I wanted him to be alive for. Derek's baptism was one of them. On the 25th he was baptized with his cousins Asher and Ethan. These boys are so fun together. It's awesome to see them grow up!

Peter

Peter LOVES being home with his brothers and sisters. Michael missed him so much and Peter had an immediate connection with him. I think Michael is the only one Peter will reach for if I'm holding him.

Life for Peter is much different here than in Seattle. In Seattle our apartment was very tiny and he was the only kid I had to pay attention to. He is now enjoying free range of the house and all the mischief he can get into. He's in that stage where I wonder if he will live until his next birthday. He enjoys climbing on things and, even though he hasn't been eating the food I give him, he has eaten laundry detergent three times. I know I sound like a bad mother for allowing that to happen, but really, after the first time I didn't think he would try it again. He has this crazy intense desire to get into the laundry room and eat that stuff. I think I finally found a way to secure it though.

For a few months now I've been trying to teach Peter baby sign language. He would just look at me with a sly smile that said, "Yeah, right Mom, that's not happenin' but keep going because you look so funny when you do that." I had stopped trying but it turns out he just needed the right motivation. Eliza was eating a piece of Halloween candy when Peter walked up to here saying and signing, "more! More!"

The kids love to hear him talk and are always trying to teach him new words. His favorite words are: ball (everything remotely round is a ball), water, more, uh oh, and ta-dah! Both Michael and Derek, unlike the girls, were really late talkers. This will be interesting to see what it is like to have a little boy that talks.

Peter loves the vacuum cleaner, just like Derek did. He uses Derek's old toy vacuum cleaner when I vacuum. Tonight when he saw Tallia's he went up to it and started making brooming noises.

Peter is still a snuggeler and I love it. He is learning to share me with Norah, Eliza and Derek.

Days +95 - +100 and beyond

It's been an amazing year that started with a diagnosis, was consumed by cancer, and ended with all signs pointing towards remission. We have been amazingly blessed by our mothers, our families, our church, co-workers and community. People are awesome! Looking forward to a year of recovery and life getting back to normal!

Silly things to remember:

• After being in Seattle the sky here looks so BIG and blue!
• I don't have to worry about not having a place to park and it's always free.
• Nathan's eyelashes have grown back so long, thick, dark, and perfectly curled.