Posting all my worries made it so they weren't constantly circulating in my brain. Also, last Tuesday Nathan and I did a sealing session at the temple. We haven't done that in years. How wonderful it was to hear the blessings and be reminded of the eternal nature of families. We agreed that the sealing of children was the most profound part.

After, we spent a long time in the Celestial Room. We had it to ourselves the whole time. We talked a little bit about what we could do to prepare our children for the future and what changes we needed to make in Nathan's medical care. I had time to pray and think of each of our children's needs. After the uncertainty and worry of the past few days it was so peaceful. When we were finished I put Nathan and each one of our kids on the prayer role.

When I went to change my clothes I just stood still and started to cry. I didn't want to leave. But the peaceful feeling has stayed with me. I am so grateful for that.

Before Nathan's diagnosis, when I had the feeling that something was very wrong, I immediately felt that everything would be okay. I need to have faith in that feeling. I hope for total healing and that our lives will eventually pick up where they were before, but, what ever the future holds, I know everything will be okay. I know Heavenly Father has a plan for our family. I know I have wonderful children, a wonderful family, and, I have learned through this, there are so many others that will help us.

Although this is not something I would wish upon anyone, I have never felt more blessed. I feel so lucky each day. I am thankful for the changes that I have felt in me by having the Spirit be so close. We have had such a special feeling of peace in our home. So much so that even the plumber fixing the big leak that caused a hole in our ceiling told me about it! For this I want to say thank you for all of he prayers that have been offered in our behalf.

The night before Nathan went into the hospital I also felt impressed that we would know what to do. I've really felt that way. I haven't felt confused or had a hard time making decisions. Sometimes I may not know the answers, but I always feel calm and feel confident that I will as I gain more information. This has been a great blessing to me because I am usually so indecisive!

Still not looking forward to June, but it will be okay.

I've been trying to prepare for Nate's upcoming transplant by searching the internet for information. What I've learned is that there is not a lot of information out there! I can find the technical information about how the procedure works and the statistical information, that sometimes leaves me with the feeling like I've been punched in the stomach. What I haven't found is what our lives will be like. What will my job be as care giver? How will Nathan feel as he recovers? I've decided to try to blog a lot more for a few reasons, but this is one of them. I hope that it may help others in the future that will be going down this path.

Another reason is because I have so many thoughts going through my head it is hard to think straight. I've always done better if I can write things down so this blog is going to act as my therapist.

I also don't have a lot of time, so beware. I'm not going to proof read this. Please forgive me. Once upon a time I was a perfectionist......

Is Is What It Is

I love how that statement can strip away so much emotion. Here is where I tell you the facts I discovered this weekend without apologizing for being pessimistic. These are just facts.

I've been thinking a lot about what it means to have a positive attitude. For some, it might mean neglecting information that is scary or negative. For me, it means learning the facts and dealing with them in a positive manner.

Here is what we will be dealing with:

• The one year survival rate for stem cell transplants is two out of five.
• Nathan will undergo lethal amounts of chemotherapy (perhaps radiation). The goal is to kill all of his blood cells. He will essentially have empty blood. 
• After he is administered the donor cells we will hold our breath waiting for them to graph. If it they not, we will be sent home. It means we should have taken our chances, no matter how slim, with cancer.
• After the stem cells graph, Nathan will have zero immunity. A common cold or food bacterial could kill him. If he wants to eat a sandwich, the lunch meat will have to be fried first and our refrigerator will need a thermometer to ensure food is kept at a safe temperature. When we return home, the kids will need to wash up and change their clothes immediately after school. 
• We will be watching for graph vs host disease. (Writing that "vs" makes me think this should be fun, like watching a ball game! Who will win? My money's on Nate.) Not just during the first year, but for the rest of his life.
• We will forever be watching for secondary cancers caused by the treatment as well as the 50% possibility of his original cancer returning.
• There are a myriad of other problems that can arise  I found a blog written by a woman who was 39 when she underwent her transplant. At first I was excited because Nathan is 38. I've been telling myself that the outcome will be better for Nathan because he is young. As I continued reading her blog I found out that not only did she acquire graft vs host disease but her body has only created a minute amount of white blood cells that has caused many problems over the last four years. Having to figure out a way to support our family while being a full time care giver was an outcome that hadn't occurred to me.
• Sally, the writer of the blog, was so wonderful and called me after I e-mailed her with some questions. She is amazing. I can't imagine what she is going through and yet she spent a full hour sharing her experience with me and offering me her cell phone number for me to call her in the future. From her I learned my duties will be, among other things, to administer medication around the clock, be watching for danger signs, keep our apartment very clean (think sanitizing the bathroom and washing Nate's sheets daily), specially prepare Nathan's food and force him to eat, and escort him to many doctor appointments each day. While I am doing that, Nathan will probably be sleeping so it's going to be quiet and lonely. Peter and I are going to be best friends!
• Every experience is different. We really have no idea what will happen.

When I look at this list I wonder why on earth are we doing this? Oh yeah. Dying of cancer is not fun either.

I am trying to find stories of people who have had a successful time with this transplant and when I do, I will definitely link to them here.

There. I've put all the facts down. Now they can stop swarming around and around in my head. These are all things that I don't have control over. I can hope and pray for a good outcome, but in the end, the only thing I have control of is the way I handle the situation we are in. If I handle it well, our marriage will be stronger, our family will be closer and I will be more like Heavenly Father wants me to be.

Last night when we were gathering together for family prayer this thought came to me.

DON'T LET THE UNCERTAINTIES OF TOMORROW ROB FROM THE JOY OF TODAY.

I am dreading summer to come. It is usually my favorite season! I want time to freeze, right now, while our family is together. Even though I have a lot to do to prepare for Nathan and I to be gone for so long, I must remember to keep my mind in the present and be with my kids.

There is one more fact that is one of the most important of all. We have been surrounded by wonderful family and friends that have done so much for us. I never want to loose sight of this and I always want to show gratitude for this blessing. THANK YOU!!!

I Married a Modern Day Nephi

In November I wrote this on the iPod. I found it soon after we got home from the hospital and it seemed so fitting. Just as Nathan handled being unemployed, he has faced his diagnosis with great optimism. I've also realized how going through that trial together has prepared us for this.

I was just reading about when Nephi's bow broke. I imagined how it would be to be in that situation. I imagined being a mother, setting up camp, tired and hungry, waiting for Nate to come home with food. I'd probably be getting impatient and would be so upset and disappointed when he came home not only empty handed, but having lost the means to provide for for us. I would wonder why we were out in the middle of nowhere and worry about would happen to us. I imagined Nathan and how hard it would be on him. I know he would be disappointed and sad that he couldn't take care of his family, but I know he would act like Nephi. He wouldn't get discouraged, he'd keep trying, and he'd be respectful to his father.

I know this because I witnessed it. Before Nate started working at PNNL I felt like we had been wandering I the wilderness for eight years. By the time Nathan was through school he had two degrees and we had four kids. It took us another two years before he found a job suitable to support our family. During that time, I was discouraged and worried, but Nathan kept going with a positive attitude. He worked hard at a minimum wage job, started his own freelance business and attended graduate school. I wasn't sure how things would work out but he was only hoping for the best, even though it couldn't be easy to be so optimistic. How did I get so lucky to marry him?

Now I feel like we have arrived at the promised land. We are on our way to Seattle to stay in a hotel, see Wicked, go to the Pacific Science Center to see King Tut, and have lots of fun as a family. We bought book shelves this year, I can afford home school supplies and I "couldn't be happier." I feel so blessed, like I am living out my dreams. And now Norah needs the iPod to help her on this long car ride. I can't believe she is not asleep yet!

If a mother's place is in the home, why do I spend so much time in the car?

I saw that on a minivan one day as I dropped my kids off at MCP. It is so true! I originally named our blog "The Days are Just Packed" because I constantly felt that way. Over the past few years I've tried to simplify our lives. It is so tempting to be involved in everything - especially with home school. There are so many opportunities and I have to make sure the kids have an adequate social life, right? But one of the reasons why we started homeschooling was so that we could spend more time as a family. I want to be a mother, not a chauffeur, and so I've made more of an effort each year to not over book our family. It is hard for me to have that wisdom and self control, but I enjoy the peace I feel when our lives are not so busy.

So, I've decided to change the name of our blog to something that has kind of became my theme for the last couple of years. "By small and simple things are great things brought to past." I think about this every day. When I become discouraged by big things I am reminded to break them into smaller parts. When I wonder if my kids are going to be learning enough at home school I am reassured by their small degrees of progress each day. It is by little everyday habits that we become our best selves.

I like this title because it has another meaning. This blog is about my kids and they may be small now but I know that they will accomplish great things.
"If your knees aren't green by the end of the day, you ought to seriously re-examine your life."