It has been said that "cancer is a great teacher." That is a much more positive definition than my "it is the ugliest word in the English language and I hate it," attitude. Nathan commented either yesterday or today (the days just all kind of run together) about how our lives could change so much in such a short amount of time. Our medicine cabinet used to be a bottle of vitamin C's and a container of Vicks, not a regimen of those orange prescription vials all in a row. We were thinking about taking our first overnight without kids (well, if you don't count Peter) in over eleven years, now we are talking about all the trips to Seattle.

It's been a better day. Yesterday was hard, but today was better. I think that is just how it is going to go.

Today Nathan had a spinal tap done and received chemotherapy at the same time. Tomorrow he will have four hours followed by an hour a day for the next two days. He wants me there and babies aren't allowed, so I'm trying to get bottles ready for Peter. I've never left any of my babies before.

I think that is one of the things I'm going to learn from this. I think I'm a pretty good mom and I always put my kids' needs first. Now that has changed. Nathan is top priority. This is our top priority.

Yesterday I was so emotional and today I feel so removed from it. I want to write down the spiritual impressions I've had for my kids to know them, but I don't want to feel all the emotions right now. They kind of go hand in hand. But I'm thankful, that for the moment, I feel kind of numb. I'm not thinking about tomorrow or what if our what the future brings. One day, one moment at a time.

I've felt like our home is a sacred place. Kind of like when we have a newborn here. I feel like the spirit is with us and I want to be careful not to do, think or say anything to jeopardize that. I need it.

Twice today someone has told me "you can't go over it, you can't go around it, you've got to go through it." I know that by going through it we will be made better and more as our Heavenly Father wants us to be. Our family will be closer and our children will grow spiritually. Nathan and I have a close marriage, but it is even better now and I know it will only get better.

My favorite scripture from high school was "have faith, be believing and all things shall work together for your good." That has always proved true in the past. I just need to keep reminding myself that it is the same in this situation.