We only have a week and a half left! Most of me is so excited and can't wait. A small part of me is going to miss the security of having the SCCA and our team just a phone call away. Also, I've only had to take care of Nathan, Peter and a little apartment for so long. It's going to be an adjustment to be part of a busy household again!
After a week of feeling well, Nathan started getting sick again so he is back on Prednisone. Nathan's immune system is already so weak from the transplant and he is on immune suppressant drugs to minimize Graft vs Host Disease. When Nathan caught a cold, it revved up his immune system which triggered more GVHD. Which means he's on more immune suppressants and more susceptible to sickness and infections. It is a vicious circle and it has made me see how important it is that we somehow keep him well after we go home. I'm not sure how to do it with the kids going to public school and church. I briefly thought about homeschooling, but I know I wouldn't be able to do a good job and still take care of Nathan.
This week Nathan had a bone marrow and skin biopsy as well as a lumbar puncture with chemo. We look forward to learning the results this week and hearing that he is still cancer free. It is always such a relief to hear that the tests came back negative.
Since the beginning this has been my plan:
1. Do chemo
2. Have Transplant
3. Live Happily Ever After
Most of the time I think we are almost to step three, although I now know it's going to take a while before Nathan is feeling up to speed. My heart is filled with excitement that we got our miracle and I want to jump up and down with joy because everything is going to be okay. But then, this week I learned of three people I know passing away. It's Christmas! Families should not be without their fathers or mothers. Mothers should not be missing their little girls. My heart aches for these families. After going through chemo and a transplant they still lost their loved one. They did everything they could, but in the end, it's just luck. It's scary.
I wonder if I am naive. I begin to wonder if it is even possible - does anyone with a blood cancer survive? Is long term remission possible? Will I be unprepared if things don't work out like we want them to? I wonder if I should be more realistic, but I've learned it doesn't do any good to worry. Winston Churchill said, "I am an optimist. It does not seem too much use being anything else." Walt Disney said, "Why Worry? If you've done the very best you can, worrying won't make it any better."
Faith conquers fear. Since the beginning I've felt that this is part of Heavenly Father's plan and that everything is going to be okay. No matter what happens I need to remember that. I'll also remember the promises given in priesthood blessings that miracles can happen and that Nathan will live a long life.
If faith is the remedy for fear, hope should replace worry. We are blessed with many medical advances, so even if we are unlucky enough to have the cancer return, there is still hope. Why waste my time with worry? My seminary teacher would joke it's okay to procrastinate sin. He would tease that we should just keep putting it off. I think I'll procrastinate worrying. I will not waste time thinking about the what if's. I will live in the moment and enjoy each one.
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I waited to post this until we had the results of the last biopsy/lp. Both came back negative!!! This week Nathan will have a PET scan to measure the tumors and cancer cell activity.
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