I've been trying to prepare for Nate's upcoming transplant by searching the internet for information. What I've learned is that there is not a lot of information out there! I can find the technical information about how the procedure works and the statistical information, that sometimes leaves me with the feeling like I've been punched in the stomach. What I haven't found is what our lives will be like. What will my job be as care giver? How will Nathan feel as he recovers? I've decided to try to blog a lot more for a few reasons, but this is one of them. I hope that it may help others in the future that will be going down this path.

Another reason is because I have so many thoughts going through my head it is hard to think straight. I've always done better if I can write things down so this blog is going to act as my therapist.

I also don't have a lot of time, so beware. I'm not going to proof read this. Please forgive me. Once upon a time I was a perfectionist......

Is Is What It Is

I love how that statement can strip away so much emotion. Here is where I tell you the facts I discovered this weekend without apologizing for being pessimistic. These are just facts.

I've been thinking a lot about what it means to have a positive attitude. For some, it might mean neglecting information that is scary or negative. For me, it means learning the facts and dealing with them in a positive manner.

Here is what we will be dealing with:

• The one year survival rate for stem cell transplants is two out of five.
• Nathan will undergo lethal amounts of chemotherapy (perhaps radiation). The goal is to kill all of his blood cells. He will essentially have empty blood. 
• After he is administered the donor cells we will hold our breath waiting for them to graph. If it they not, we will be sent home. It means we should have taken our chances, no matter how slim, with cancer.
• After the stem cells graph, Nathan will have zero immunity. A common cold or food bacterial could kill him. If he wants to eat a sandwich, the lunch meat will have to be fried first and our refrigerator will need a thermometer to ensure food is kept at a safe temperature. When we return home, the kids will need to wash up and change their clothes immediately after school. 
• We will be watching for graph vs host disease. (Writing that "vs" makes me think this should be fun, like watching a ball game! Who will win? My money's on Nate.) Not just during the first year, but for the rest of his life.
• We will forever be watching for secondary cancers caused by the treatment as well as the 50% possibility of his original cancer returning.
• There are a myriad of other problems that can arise  I found a blog written by a woman who was 39 when she underwent her transplant. At first I was excited because Nathan is 38. I've been telling myself that the outcome will be better for Nathan because he is young. As I continued reading her blog I found out that not only did she acquire graft vs host disease but her body has only created a minute amount of white blood cells that has caused many problems over the last four years. Having to figure out a way to support our family while being a full time care giver was an outcome that hadn't occurred to me.
• Sally, the writer of the blog, was so wonderful and called me after I e-mailed her with some questions. She is amazing. I can't imagine what she is going through and yet she spent a full hour sharing her experience with me and offering me her cell phone number for me to call her in the future. From her I learned my duties will be, among other things, to administer medication around the clock, be watching for danger signs, keep our apartment very clean (think sanitizing the bathroom and washing Nate's sheets daily), specially prepare Nathan's food and force him to eat, and escort him to many doctor appointments each day. While I am doing that, Nathan will probably be sleeping so it's going to be quiet and lonely. Peter and I are going to be best friends!
• Every experience is different. We really have no idea what will happen.

When I look at this list I wonder why on earth are we doing this? Oh yeah. Dying of cancer is not fun either.

I am trying to find stories of people who have had a successful time with this transplant and when I do, I will definitely link to them here.

There. I've put all the facts down. Now they can stop swarming around and around in my head. These are all things that I don't have control over. I can hope and pray for a good outcome, but in the end, the only thing I have control of is the way I handle the situation we are in. If I handle it well, our marriage will be stronger, our family will be closer and I will be more like Heavenly Father wants me to be.

Last night when we were gathering together for family prayer this thought came to me.

DON'T LET THE UNCERTAINTIES OF TOMORROW ROB FROM THE JOY OF TODAY.

I am dreading summer to come. It is usually my favorite season! I want time to freeze, right now, while our family is together. Even though I have a lot to do to prepare for Nathan and I to be gone for so long, I must remember to keep my mind in the present and be with my kids.

There is one more fact that is one of the most important of all. We have been surrounded by wonderful family and friends that have done so much for us. I never want to loose sight of this and I always want to show gratitude for this blessing. THANK YOU!!!