I just got off the phone with my mom. She told me about how she told the kids that after she got back from dropping off books at the library they would clean the house. When she got home Eliza surprised her by cleaning the whole downstairs by herself! I love that girl! I miss her so much!

Megan sent me some pictures of the kids. We soaked them in. We've been away for so long and I just want to hold them!

Megan told me that Eliza and Norah were so sweet and were always holding hands. Before they left I asked Eliza to keep an eye on Norah and I guess she did a terrific job. It is such a blessing that our kids are such good friends. I know they are looking out for each other and they are not lonely. I would worry that they don't even miss us, but when we are home they like to make up for all the snuggling we've missed out on so I know that they do. I'm happy that they are happy when we are gone. It has been a surprise to me and great blessing that being apart is bearable and I feel it is a product of many prayers.

Nathan was discharged from the hospital yesterday (Friday) and we spent today at the clinic for infusions. We will be back tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day...until they are satisfied he is in good enough shape for us to go home for a brief visit before his transplant (assuming his next tests are acceptable.

Peter and I stayed at the hospital with Nate and Peter handled that pretty well. When Nathan was sleeping I would take Peter on walks around UW. It is a beautiful campus. I was very thankful for one nurse who would whisper when she would come in the middle of the night. She never woke Peter up! I wish I knew which one she was - I'd buy her a candy bar!

We have some good news and some bad news...

The good news is that Nathan has been feeling better since his last transfusion and we are having a great time...well, as much as could be expected. It's easy for me to say that because I'm not going through all the stuff he is.

Two months after we were married we were expecting Megan. When she was only a five months old I became pregnant with Michael. Emma was born less than two years later. Since I get pretty sick when I am pregnant, the first few years of our marriage was pretty much me being sick and then we were chasing after very active little kids while Nathan was working, going to school and being in Young Men's and Elder's Quorum presidencies. I've always felt kind of sad that we didn't really have the "newlywed" period in our lives. Being here has given us a chance to be together a lot. I've loved how we've gotten to cook together, walk everywhere together, talk about the podcasts we've been listening to, and when Nathan is feeling good, go explore Seattle.

The SCCA House is an amazingly helpful place to stay and we have already begun to make some friends here. It is exactly what is needed. The SCCA clinic is impressive and we have total confidence in the doctors there.

We have been feeling so confident, I was beginning to again feel like we were cheating somehow. That everything was going to be okay. It wasn't going to be easy, but we were so lucky and everything will work out perfectly. We were even given permission to head home for a week or two while we waited for our insurance to review all the test results and approve the transplant.

So there's the good news.

Today we learned that Nathan's latest spinal tap showed cancerous cells. We had hoped that would not be the case because it would mean he would need to receive radiation for his brain which would very likely result in loss of brain function that we were told could effect his professional and personal life. Nathan had previously had clean spinal taps. Hearing this news was almost as shocking as learning he had cancer.

In order to avoid this, we have decided to stay in Seattle instead of going home in order for Nathan to receive a much tougher regimen of chemo. He will be admitted to the hospital as soon as we have insurance clearance and they have a space; probably Saturday.

When we see how tough this particular cancer is to fight, all of our reservations about doing the transplant disappear and we cling to the hope of it saving Nathan's life.

Early next week, Nathan will also have a scan to check for brain tumors. I am so grateful for all the prayers on our behalf. It is unbelievable the difference they make and I will never be able to express how much they mean to us. So, I'd like to ask a favor, please. Instead of praying for Nathan to have a clean scan, I'd like to ask for prayers that there be no brain tumors, but if there are, that they will show up on the scan. I'd much rather face this and get it taken care of. I don't want runaway brain cancer down the road. :)

So that is where things are right now. Peter has been amazing throughout all the appointments and loves the attention he gets, although I know he misses his big brothers and sisters. He was excited to see kids when we went to church on Sunday and he crawls towards the computer when we are on Skype. I think he is gaining weight because I don't like him crawling on the waiting room floors (I gave in and let him once for just a few minutes and he had black knees) and I feed him snacks to keep him happy. I'm trying to think of other things to entertain him. He is bored of his little toys. Bubbles have gotten old and I only use them when the floor is carpeted. I'm thinking about getting a laser pointer, a small mirror and maybe a small car to keep in my pack. I've also thought of bringing a flat sheet and putting it on the floor. He's getting a little bit fed up with being held all the time. I'm open to any suggestions!

(I don't mean to suggest the SCCA is a dirty place. It is the CLEANEST place in the world! But a floor is a floor :) )

Peter is a very vocal little guy. Nathan has been interested in Chihuly since he was at CBC. Last night we walked to the Seattle Center and visited his gallery. It was pretty impressive and Peter loved it. He jabbered about each exhibit.

I'd better go entertain him, but I first want to say how lucky we are. I met a guy that left his wife and children in North Carolina. As much as I hate to leave my kids, I couldn't stand not being with Nathan through this and not knowing how he was doing. We are so lucky our kids are in good hands. Thank you to our families (especially our moms), Megan, our ward and our neighbors!

And We're Off!!!

Monday morning I woke up at 4:30 when Peter started poking at my face. At 5:00 Norah came to sleep with us. At 5:30 she threw up all over me. I cleaned her and the bed up and then went to take a shower...with COLD water! Our hot water heater had gone out. I only had two more days at home, so much to do, and I didn't want to leave Norah when she was sick.

In the past I would have been upset, but so many things have gone wrong over the past couple of months, I'm better at just rolling with what ever happens. My new attitude is that I like my kids to do what ever I ask them to with out complaining. I'm sure Heavenly Father would like the same from me. I'm pretty good at whining and this thought helps me avoid that.

I am amazed how much we got done on Monday and Tuesday. (Well, for the several days previous for that matter. Saturday Philip's family came over to help me get our yard in shape by weeding, picking off the yucky apples, and making a sandbox for Michael's family life merit badge. They are awesome!) By the time we were ready to go I felt like I had left the house fairly organized and stocked.

Poor Nathan has just finished a round of chemo on Sunday and wasn't feeling well. Since he was worried about being car sick, he had a great idea to spend the night in Ellensburg. Lying on the couch he gave each one of our kids father's blessings. Then he and Jared left around 6:00.

I stayed and helped the kids clean up and get ready for bed. I rocked all the younger ones. It was easier to think about leaving once they were in bed and the little ones were asleep. Emma asked if she could help me pack the car since she didn't get to be rocked. She was so helpful. Without her it would have taken twice as long to get ready.

I ended up leaving just after 11:00. It was strange to be driving so late. I felt like I had the whole freeway to myself and when I stopped for gas in Prosser, it felt like I was in a ghost town. The whole time I kept thinking about my kids and how I was driving farther away from them and toward an uncertain future.

The next morning we left early for Seattle. Going over the pass is always a pretty drive. I was worried about driving in Seattle but I said a prayer and I always had an opening when I needed to change lanes. I actually beat Jared and Nathan to the parking lot. As I was walking to the elevator in the parking garage, I turned a corner and saw Jared's car stalled. They had ran out of gas but had made it all the way to the garage and Jared was able to push it down hill for Nathan to park just across from me. I'm counting that as a miracle.

We checked into the cancer center and Nathan and Jared had a lot of blood drawn. We had time before our next appointment so we walked down the hill to get lunch by Lake Union. Then the guys had physicals and meetings with the nurses about their medical history. They were each given a binder of consent forms to take home and read that night.

Nathan's headache was really bad so we checked into the SCCA House for Nathan to rest and then Jared and I went to fill Jared's car up with gas.

Living in Seattle is a new experience. Driving actually hasn't been as bad as I thought it was going to be and when I get to know my way around it will be better. It's the finding and paying for parking I hate. Yea for the Tri-Cities and plentiful and free parking! Jared and I have had to wake up at 6:00 to feed our meters. Seattle has a ban on plastic grocery sacks so I will get good at remembering to bring my reusable bags with me. Every where we go there are three garbage cans: garbage, compost and recycle. Right next to the SCCA house is a "giving garden." It's a pretty place that includes eatable plants. I think that is a smart solution to help all the homeless people. It is so sad to see them. For most of them, it is obvious that they are mentally ill. When we walk by my first thought is to smile and say hi but then I worry about them following me as I walk away.

Thursday morning I got to work unpacking and organizing our hotel room where we were staying until a spot at the Pete Gross house opened for us. I figured if I did that we would get an apartment faster and as I placed the last book on the shelf the phone rang. There was an opening at the Pete Gross House! We were about to leave for the clinic so we told them we would stop by on our way home.

The Cancer Center has shuttles that run from the housing to clinic and hospital and so thankfully we didn't have to worry about driving or parking. Nathan had an EKG and we had a meeting with the attending doctor and nurse to sign consent forms, learn about studies and get more information about Nate's particular procedure.

"So, you have Peripheral T-Cell Lymphomia," Dr. Scott began,

"WHAT?!?!" Nathan immediately replied, much to the doctor and nurses shock. After they realized he was teasing, they told us that several years ago that really happened with a man who had already been through transplant. Throughout his treatment he had never realized that the strange sounding desiese that ended with a "ia" was a cancer.
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I wrote all of this almost a month ago and was interrupted mid-thought. Since I can't remember what I was going to say, here's a brief synopsis of what happened.

Jared was determined not to be the best donor and was off the hook. Randy Dupuy came to visit and we all went to the EMP. Nathan had been wanting to go there since it had opened. I hope he enjoyed it, although he really wasn't feeling well. Nathan had just gone through a round of chemo so we were able to return home since they wanted the chemo to take full effect before any more tests were taken. We were able to have Fourth of July with our family and Jared and his kids stayed with us for a week. We came back to the SSCA and have had non-stop appointments since!

Eliza has the most points on our memorization station. In fact she just has to memorize one more Article of Faith and she will earn a Blizzard. Right now she is saying, "We believe in the MISERABLE geathering of Isreal."

Last night, at scripture study we asked what promises we make at baptism. Derek said, "um, not to kill anybody?" and Eliza answered, "We promise to NEVER do ANYTHING bad." Hmm, kind of opposite ends of the spectrum there.

I've been letting Megan and Michael occassionally stay up later and watch Psych together. I love listening to them laugh and talk about it later.

Nathan, hopefully, has his last round of chemo tomorrow. In less than two weeks we will find out if the cancer is in remission. If it is, we will immediately be sent up to Seattle. These next two weeks will be very full of preparations and spending time as a family. Our departure will coincide with Father's Day/Megan's 16th birthday and the girls leaving for girls' camp. This time will be so busy and go so quickly. I don't want to leave my kids. I want to make sure to spend time with them and enjoy them in this short time left. How am I going to get everything ready and still have relaxed family time?

I feel like that guy who jumped out of a weather balloon from the edge of space. Once we start the transplant process there is no going back. We just jump and hope for a safe landing. Last week Nathan and I went to the temple and as we left I felt so good and confident. I knew everything was going to be okay. I felt like this was too good to be true after all the statistics and experiences I have read. When Nathan makes it through this, I will feel like we have cheated death.

Today was a perfect day! Because Nathan won't be able to go camping this summer we went on a hike at the Blue Mountains.

Peter was so excited to be out on the trail he laughed and sang until he fell asleep. Eliza and Merian picked endless wild flowers and Norah was such a trouper she walked most of the way herself. Michael screamed and did a crazy dance to get a baby rattle rattle snake off his shoe. According to Mike, it was ingesting quite a bit of his shoe lace. It rained just enough to make it interesting but wasn't windy or cold.

On the way home we listened to great music. I am so lucky to have my family. Days like today are priceless.

Posting all my worries made it so they weren't constantly circulating in my brain. Also, last Tuesday Nathan and I did a sealing session at the temple. We haven't done that in years. How wonderful it was to hear the blessings and be reminded of the eternal nature of families. We agreed that the sealing of children was the most profound part.

After, we spent a long time in the Celestial Room. We had it to ourselves the whole time. We talked a little bit about what we could do to prepare our children for the future and what changes we needed to make in Nathan's medical care. I had time to pray and think of each of our children's needs. After the uncertainty and worry of the past few days it was so peaceful. When we were finished I put Nathan and each one of our kids on the prayer role.

When I went to change my clothes I just stood still and started to cry. I didn't want to leave. But the peaceful feeling has stayed with me. I am so grateful for that.

Before Nathan's diagnosis, when I had the feeling that something was very wrong, I immediately felt that everything would be okay. I need to have faith in that feeling. I hope for total healing and that our lives will eventually pick up where they were before, but, what ever the future holds, I know everything will be okay. I know Heavenly Father has a plan for our family. I know I have wonderful children, a wonderful family, and, I have learned through this, there are so many others that will help us.

Although this is not something I would wish upon anyone, I have never felt more blessed. I feel so lucky each day. I am thankful for the changes that I have felt in me by having the Spirit be so close. We have had such a special feeling of peace in our home. So much so that even the plumber fixing the big leak that caused a hole in our ceiling told me about it! For this I want to say thank you for all of he prayers that have been offered in our behalf.

The night before Nathan went into the hospital I also felt impressed that we would know what to do. I've really felt that way. I haven't felt confused or had a hard time making decisions. Sometimes I may not know the answers, but I always feel calm and feel confident that I will as I gain more information. This has been a great blessing to me because I am usually so indecisive!

Still not looking forward to June, but it will be okay.

I've been trying to prepare for Nate's upcoming transplant by searching the internet for information. What I've learned is that there is not a lot of information out there! I can find the technical information about how the procedure works and the statistical information, that sometimes leaves me with the feeling like I've been punched in the stomach. What I haven't found is what our lives will be like. What will my job be as care giver? How will Nathan feel as he recovers? I've decided to try to blog a lot more for a few reasons, but this is one of them. I hope that it may help others in the future that will be going down this path.

Another reason is because I have so many thoughts going through my head it is hard to think straight. I've always done better if I can write things down so this blog is going to act as my therapist.

I also don't have a lot of time, so beware. I'm not going to proof read this. Please forgive me. Once upon a time I was a perfectionist......

Is Is What It Is

I love how that statement can strip away so much emotion. Here is where I tell you the facts I discovered this weekend without apologizing for being pessimistic. These are just facts.

I've been thinking a lot about what it means to have a positive attitude. For some, it might mean neglecting information that is scary or negative. For me, it means learning the facts and dealing with them in a positive manner.

Here is what we will be dealing with:

• The one year survival rate for stem cell transplants is two out of five.
• Nathan will undergo lethal amounts of chemotherapy (perhaps radiation). The goal is to kill all of his blood cells. He will essentially have empty blood. 
• After he is administered the donor cells we will hold our breath waiting for them to graph. If it they not, we will be sent home. It means we should have taken our chances, no matter how slim, with cancer.
• After the stem cells graph, Nathan will have zero immunity. A common cold or food bacterial could kill him. If he wants to eat a sandwich, the lunch meat will have to be fried first and our refrigerator will need a thermometer to ensure food is kept at a safe temperature. When we return home, the kids will need to wash up and change their clothes immediately after school. 
• We will be watching for graph vs host disease. (Writing that "vs" makes me think this should be fun, like watching a ball game! Who will win? My money's on Nate.) Not just during the first year, but for the rest of his life.
• We will forever be watching for secondary cancers caused by the treatment as well as the 50% possibility of his original cancer returning.
• There are a myriad of other problems that can arise  I found a blog written by a woman who was 39 when she underwent her transplant. At first I was excited because Nathan is 38. I've been telling myself that the outcome will be better for Nathan because he is young. As I continued reading her blog I found out that not only did she acquire graft vs host disease but her body has only created a minute amount of white blood cells that has caused many problems over the last four years. Having to figure out a way to support our family while being a full time care giver was an outcome that hadn't occurred to me.
• Sally, the writer of the blog, was so wonderful and called me after I e-mailed her with some questions. She is amazing. I can't imagine what she is going through and yet she spent a full hour sharing her experience with me and offering me her cell phone number for me to call her in the future. From her I learned my duties will be, among other things, to administer medication around the clock, be watching for danger signs, keep our apartment very clean (think sanitizing the bathroom and washing Nate's sheets daily), specially prepare Nathan's food and force him to eat, and escort him to many doctor appointments each day. While I am doing that, Nathan will probably be sleeping so it's going to be quiet and lonely. Peter and I are going to be best friends!
• Every experience is different. We really have no idea what will happen.

When I look at this list I wonder why on earth are we doing this? Oh yeah. Dying of cancer is not fun either.

I am trying to find stories of people who have had a successful time with this transplant and when I do, I will definitely link to them here.

There. I've put all the facts down. Now they can stop swarming around and around in my head. These are all things that I don't have control over. I can hope and pray for a good outcome, but in the end, the only thing I have control of is the way I handle the situation we are in. If I handle it well, our marriage will be stronger, our family will be closer and I will be more like Heavenly Father wants me to be.

Last night when we were gathering together for family prayer this thought came to me.

DON'T LET THE UNCERTAINTIES OF TOMORROW ROB FROM THE JOY OF TODAY.

I am dreading summer to come. It is usually my favorite season! I want time to freeze, right now, while our family is together. Even though I have a lot to do to prepare for Nathan and I to be gone for so long, I must remember to keep my mind in the present and be with my kids.

There is one more fact that is one of the most important of all. We have been surrounded by wonderful family and friends that have done so much for us. I never want to loose sight of this and I always want to show gratitude for this blessing. THANK YOU!!!